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THE BIG, BIG SHOW IN HAITI
Theater at its political finest

If you thought that former President Jimmy Carter went down to Haiti without having the whole scenario set up in advance, without a script of the players and their roles predetermined right down to the last minute theatrics, then I've got a game with three walnut shells and a pea I'd like to show you.

Who knew more about hostage situations than ex-President Carter? Do you think he would just waltz into the hands of what everyone called "military terrorists?"

And who needed to win one more than Bill Clinton? The crime bill had been watered down to nothing. Health reform was gone too. His popularity was at an all time low. And 1994 was an election year.

Fidel Castro had just pointed out the hypocrisy of our immigration policy be releasing more Cubans and threatening another boatlift. The average American was starting to wonder why Cubans are given political asylum while Haitians are turned away.

It's Showtime Folks

The Oval Office

It's time for something boys. Something bigger than the Serbs and Croatians. Maybe even bigger than the O.J. saga. And if not bigger, how about more dramatic?

Let's send the swat team down to Haiti to surround the place with firepower and ready to snuff out their military dictators. We'll get Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw on location in their starched safari jackets interviewing General Cedras about his willingness to die fighting for his country, and showing the tattered Haitian army taking up position. Then, as a last resort, we'll send good old Jimmy Carter and some other popular figures, how about Colin Powell, down for one last ditch attempt at negotiation. In the eleventh hour, at the very last minute, maybe even after the invasion has started, we'll have Jimmy call to tell us it's all settled. We win. We'll get tremendous coverage on all sides leading right up to this last minute eleventh hour finish.

It doesn't matter if the American people are against an invasion now, because we'll win without really having an invasion. Not a shot will be fired. They'll love it. And the illegal military dictators will save face and not need to die. We'll even get that little guy who looks like a voodoo doctor back into power. What's his name, Aristotle, Aristide or whatever. Someone ought to tell him we're going to help him, but don't tell him everything. Everybody wins. It's wonderful!

Wait a minute Bill. There's a New York cabbie I know who says Haiti's problems are economic, not political.

Don't bother me with that hearsay now, there are plans to make, scripts and speeches to write, troops and media to alert, briefings to organize and newsleaks to develop, and I've got to get a haircut. See Carter about that economic angle, maybe he can get Habitat For Humanity to do something, or teach the Haitians how to grow peanuts. Besides that, Jesse Helms wants the place for staging the Cuban invasion.

If you want to make yourself useful, get ahold of every Caribbean country that owes us and make them commit to send a contingent of troops to maintain peace after our show/invasion is over. I want to promise the public that our boys won't be there long.

Remember the single engine private plane that crashed on the Whitehouse lawn? That was Haiti's preemptive strike.