We definitely don't want to kill too many civilians. We are the good guys. In fact, it's these poor Iraqi civilians that we are trying to liberate, to set free, to end their tyranny at the hands of a man everyone knows is a ruthless dictator.

That seems to leave some military bases, training facilities, and Sadaam Hussein's many palaces. We know where they are. Everybody in Iraq or everyone with a satellite knows where they are. So we blow them off the map, right? Does that end the war in jig time?

No, wait a minute, there are all those secret places only George W. Bush and a few of his cohorts like dumb and dumber know about. The places Donald Rumsfeld and his sidekick General Richard Meyers and other good soldiers like Condoleezza Rice have been hinting about but won't tell anyone.

Then there are all of those facilities that have the "potential" to make "weapons of mass destruction." Places where the inspectors haven't found anything sinister going on today, but could be instantly converted to evil in order to fill those empty warheads we found last week. Places like Iraq's equivalent of a small Johnson-and-Johnson or Libby Laboratories. In fact, anything with a flat square roof larger than a one or two car garage that shows up on our surveillance equipment, radar, satellite, even special forces and spies on the ground to guide our high altitude bombers, drones, and smart missiles.

Also, there are those secret nuclear facilities we just know are buried deeply in the bowels of the earth, maybe under mosques or cities only Sadaam and a few of his cohorts know about. We've got to get those too before the earth opens and launch pads rise up like something from a James Bond movie. Sadaam is so rich and devious, much worse than Dr. No. If we just could have made those Iraqi scientists leave the country to be debriefed, we might know exactly where these nukes are.

Sometimes I think that the only reason we know all this is because no one in America knows where the world's greatest stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction are salted away in our own country. We know how effectively they can be hidden and still ready for use. Do you know where your nukes are tonight?

Enter the nightmare.

Unless Sadaam Hussein is an absolute idiot, he already knows about most of these targets, certainly the primary ones.

He would be a fool to leave any personnel and movable equipment in military bases or palaces. We might as well just move U.S. troops into the barracks.

In my nightmare, Sadaam sends every soldier home to mom. They all go home to wait for the inevitable sighting of American troops, taking their guns, tanks, and jeeps with them to add to the guns Sadaam has already passed out to every Iraqi household. After all, how hard is it to camouflage a tank with covering that makes it look like a pile of sand?

Do we start looking for new sandboxes where none were before?

There is probably no one else in the world more familiar with what it's like to be bombed by America than the people of Baghdad. We all saw it on television in 1998, didn't we? Remember the green lights with narrated reports of earthshaking flashes? And still the Iraqi families haven't moved out.

At least, no one other than the Japanese knows this better. Which brings me to the next part of my nightmare.

Once we've smart bombed every square building in Iraq, what happens? In my dream, Donald Rumsfeld announces to the Iraqis (he's got a huge megaphone. You know how dreams go.) "Come out now and surrender or you all die."

Of course, this is exactly the point nine million Iraqi soldiers have been waiting for. So like the other innocent victims, they yell back; "We ain't comin' out (abbreviated Waco). Come and get us."

You all know what happens next—it's called genocide.

From a safe distance, America takes out all of the Iraqi men, women, and children. Reduce their cities to ashes. George the terrible has already shown that he's not afraid to use "strategic" nuclear weapons again. Think of all the American lives that will be saved from kamikaze Iraqis.