Here’s a win-win solution to the problem of illegal immigration that came from someone other than me.

Dig a moat around the Mexican border all the way from the Pacific Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico, take all of the dirt and sand removed and send it to the sinking areas of Southern Louisiana, then take all of the overabundance of alligators from Florida and the East Coast and put them in the moat. They’ll love the climate and the water.

If we make the moat deep and wide enough for shipping, we’ll have a new lane for sending produce from California to the Gulf and all stops in-between. And since the Pacific Ocean is higher than the Atlantic (some geologists estimate it at 15 feet higher) we’ll have a controllable current southwards and a means of energy efficient barge shipping.

Of course, this means dredging the Rio Grande River to the same depth and width making it impossible to wade across. At the same time, and because we don’t want to create another hazardous conflict between the two oceans like we’ve always had around “the horn” of South America, we will want to control this influx of water from the Pacific.

So we’ll build a huge dam at the California side of the moat. A dam capable of supplying Southern California with all the electricity it needs and screening out the kelp that we don’t need intruding its stinky presence on the rest of the beaches of our country and the Caribbean Islands. In exchange, the ferocious barracuda of the Atlantic will not be able to swim upstream and get through the dam. Frustrated, they can help the alligators discourage swimmers.

All of the current bridges between Texas and Mexico will have to be rebuilt and new ones will need installation at various points to and from New Mexico and other states, but we will also have the opportunity to load them with surveillance devices and inspection stations with truck unloading/reloading operations such as we need in all of our ports anyway. No foot traffic will be allowed on these bridges, nor will any recreational boating be permitted in this moat.

No fence will be necessary if we make the moat deep enough and keep the water level sufficiently below the earth’s surface. We could even provide an earthen berm on the U.S. side for the alligators to sun themselves and show their presence.

The only drawback I can see to this idea is the fact that an estimated forty percent of the people in our country illegally are people who entered with green cards, visas, and so forth, then overstayed their welcome. This is an Immigration & Naturalization Service problem and one that is not addressed by any legislation currently in Congress. The INS can’t keep track of these people any more than they knew what the nineteen 9/11 terrorists were up to for years after they entered the country legally. Much better control of legal immigrants is necessary.

Of course, all of this is going to cost a fortune and means Bush and his pals will have to give up illegal invasions, occupations, murdering innocents, and their efforts towards the New World Odor. But what the hell, the rest of the world will be overjoyed and should get a sense relief from the threat of American terrorism.